Wake up and smell the coffee.

I have decided to give my self some gratitude today because I have been punishing my self for about two months. Its just ridiculous. So here it goes.....

I have a good sense of humor.

I am very caring to those around me.

I love animals. Lucky to have three hairy kitties.

I just love getting away in a hot shower.

Really starting to enjoy the outdoors.

I am a syfy fanatic.

I have a relationship with my mother.

I have a healthy, loving relationship with my husband.

I have some friends that are chill like me. What I mean by chill is understanding and not judgmental.

I have a nice warm home.

I have passion and creativity.

I am a damn good worker.

I do very well and am successful whenever I put my mind to it.

I am very healthy.

I have sexy lips.

I am very honest, trust worthy and loyal.

I am one of few in two big families to graduate from college.

Wow! I do feel pretty dam good.

I honesty can't understand why I choose to think that I am a bad person and see myself in a negative light. I know that I am on a journey, like everyone else, to find and love myself.

whiskey cokes mary and the gal pals

Today I woke up felling groggy from my night of Mary and whiskey cokes with my local lesbian gal pals. I was feeling quite proud of myself. Last night was the first time in a little over a month that I have gone out into the dreaded "PUBLIC".

Let me back track a bit, so about a little over a month ago I resigned, quit, whatever you want to call it , from my job. A job that I had put all of my heart, soul, passion, precious energy,given up on my marriage to the love of my life, compromised my beliefs ,my friendship, my love, my whole being into. Only to be played for a complete fool by those that I had become to call my friends, I thought as some of them as family. So the consequence of all of this has resulted in a month long punishment I have decided to drag myself though. I have no idea why I have chosen to take this so badly. I am acting like someone who is in a constant state of morning. I really loved the people that I worked with, I valued what they had to say. And I was at the place where there was pretty much nothing I wouldn't have done for any of them. And now nothing. i do not talk or see any of them anymore.I am feeling a huge loss.

This loss has wrapped its self completely around me causing me to act like someone I have never seen. Someone who is scared, worried and will barely leave my house. Ahhhhh I said it out loud! Sigh.....I just can't bring myself to face people, who I thought cared about me, knowing that they decided to make their minds up about me with out even asking me.How could one choose to believe something a rumor about someone they knew and change everything they ever thought about their so called friend. Anyone who knows me knows the kind of person I am. I feel just awful if I did something to offend someone and didn't know it. I wish that people would have told me so I could have know what I did and make sure not to do it again. I know that misunderstanding happen all the time, if people would just be honest with one another so many things could be fixed. I admit that I was offensive to people because if thats how they felt then it was true for them. My intentions would never be to hurt someone or make them feel bad. That is something I would never want anyone to go through. I guess I need to be a little more aware of the way people might perceive things I say even if think my intentions are good.

All in all I am just super bummed that I lost people I cared about. Even the people who have negative feeling towards me. I can appreciate the people they are and I saw them do some pretty awesome things. These are people who I still care about even though the feeling is not mutral. I just think this whole this is a great misunderstanding. Oh how I wish we could have just talked it out.

I once had to solve daily disputes that kindergartners had and the one saving grace of all dispute was the hand game Paper, Rock, Scissors. Oh wow how I was amazed at how this one hand best 2 out of three game could solve virtually all their problems. I know that these people where on 5 but how neat would it be if a game such as this could work with adults. I know I'm game to try it!

So this brings my back to my night out with whiskey, Mary and the ladies. Whiskey a the ladies was my first dose of healing. I am done with this harsh punishment I have put my self though and now its time to lick my wounds.