Day 5 of 42.

Breaking point:

So today I woke up feeling pretty good. Today is the fifth day of me transitioning in to a "Better Me". A couple of challenges have already come up. The first one started yesterday around 2:00pm. i road my bike to a meeting down town and was rushed bombed with sweats and chills. I felt sooo sick. I have learned a lot from my old job and one thing I will never forget is that people don't want to hear your problems they have their own agenda. I toughed it through my meeting and it actually went well.(I'll update on that later) I road my bike home with the tormenting feeling that I was going to puke. And at that moment all my diet goals went right out the window. I wanted to eat! Bread, Butter,Rice,Nachos! ( Can ya tell I'm a little Carb deprived) But I know that those small slips will just put me back where I started if not worse.

Back to this morning waking up, I 'm not sure if it was the cat shit that fell on me when I was cleaning the litter of the fact the I slammed my pinkie finger in the door on my way in my house. I was sooo upset . Instead of heading to the gym after doing some work around the house I felt like crap. I just wanted to hide in my house and eat. What came to mind: NACHOS! Mmmm that hot melted cheese smothered over homemade crunchy tortilla chips. Mmmm mmm good. F*@k That! That is what I alawys run to to solve my worries and it just gets me into more trouble. *sigh* This is pretty tough but I am determined!!!

Please leave a comment , I could really use some shared experiences around this frustration with food.

Agave Print by Jillian David at Art.com

Agave Print by Jillian David at Art.com

42

42days!

I have pretty much been dieting on and off for the past 9 years! Holy crap! It just hit me how long I have embarked on this battle. And let me tell you this has been a battle of hell. The hard part has really been the never ending battle that goes on in my head with Me, Myself and I. In the last six months I have been following a couple of blogs that have really inspired me. I would much rather look to REAL people like these bloggers Bitch Cakes and Ex Hot Girl, rather than the constant in your face celeb.

Recently reading BitchCakes blog has made me think. I can continue to have days where I indulge on a donut, large pepperoni pizza, nachos and on and on. Or I can learn to eat better everyday. Eating a donut here and there or shall I say I dozen donuts here and there and continue to expand. To be honest the problem isn't this ever ending growth that my body has found . The problems lie within me. When I am heavier than I would like to be I have really stopped living. I hardly leave my house anymore, I do not allow for my self to have close relationships with anyone outside of my husband, I am not creative, and thus I want to feed the void that I have created with more FOOD!

So here I find myself today three days into a 42 day weight loss. I am scared to put this out in the world. I am scared because I have failed many many times in the past. I am most scared of fighting that battle in my head again. It really is awful what I can and have done to myself when I "Fail".So I have decided that not only do I need to diet and exercise during these next 42days but I also need to keep up on my blog and share this with whomever reads this.

On that note I wanted to share that I have decided not to share this blog with anyone who is currently in my life including my husband. The reason for this is to be able to open up completely and have no worries of scaring people away. In my past I have been honest with people about my depression and they have left me. When I am feeling good it is super contagious and people want to be around me. Whenever I have openned up about my battle with depression people have straight up disappeared. SO that's the truth and here I am writing to anyone who stumbles upon this blog.

Most importantly I am blogging for me!!!

Goals:

*To post weekly weight progress.

*Track my daily food intake.(food journal)

*Track the Cals Burned and any daily physical activity.

*Add three positive things about myself along with my food journal)

Okee bye for now!

If you do read this please let me know! i would love any feedback!

Colorquiz.com

Helloo!

I am so excited to see that I have my first follower! I know it's nerdy to be so excited but F*** IT, I am! So I took this color quiz at the beginning of my 42 day challenge and my results(below) we all a little too true. To be honest a little sad too. The results gave me some clarity and some power to be what I wish myself to be.

RESULTS:

Restrained Characteristics

Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.

"Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence."

"Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty."

Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.

"Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence."

"Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty."

If you want are looking for a little insight I highly recommend this site:

Colorquiz.com

* If you choose to check this site out. i would love to hear your feedback on your own results!

Ps- I'm on Day 10 of my 42 day change!!! What, What?! They say (Dr.Oz) it takes two weeks to form a habit, so I have two more days until this is a habit for me! I have been keeping a food journal with the foods I have been eating, my workouts escapades, my moods during all this fun and goals! I will up date on the last tens days soon!

"Be the change you wish to see in the world ( and in your body & mind)"- Ghandi -and me:)

Wake up and smell the coffee.

I have decided to give my self some gratitude today because I have been punishing my self for about two months. Its just ridiculous. So here it goes.....

I have a good sense of humor.

I am very caring to those around me.

I love animals. Lucky to have three hairy kitties.

I just love getting away in a hot shower.

Really starting to enjoy the outdoors.

I am a syfy fanatic.

I have a relationship with my mother.

I have a healthy, loving relationship with my husband.

I have some friends that are chill like me. What I mean by chill is understanding and not judgmental.

I have a nice warm home.

I have passion and creativity.

I am a damn good worker.

I do very well and am successful whenever I put my mind to it.

I am very healthy.

I have sexy lips.

I am very honest, trust worthy and loyal.

I am one of few in two big families to graduate from college.

Wow! I do feel pretty dam good.

I honesty can't understand why I choose to think that I am a bad person and see myself in a negative light. I know that I am on a journey, like everyone else, to find and love myself.

whiskey cokes mary and the gal pals

Today I woke up felling groggy from my night of Mary and whiskey cokes with my local lesbian gal pals. I was feeling quite proud of myself. Last night was the first time in a little over a month that I have gone out into the dreaded "PUBLIC".

Let me back track a bit, so about a little over a month ago I resigned, quit, whatever you want to call it , from my job. A job that I had put all of my heart, soul, passion, precious energy,given up on my marriage to the love of my life, compromised my beliefs ,my friendship, my love, my whole being into. Only to be played for a complete fool by those that I had become to call my friends, I thought as some of them as family. So the consequence of all of this has resulted in a month long punishment I have decided to drag myself though. I have no idea why I have chosen to take this so badly. I am acting like someone who is in a constant state of morning. I really loved the people that I worked with, I valued what they had to say. And I was at the place where there was pretty much nothing I wouldn't have done for any of them. And now nothing. i do not talk or see any of them anymore.I am feeling a huge loss.

This loss has wrapped its self completely around me causing me to act like someone I have never seen. Someone who is scared, worried and will barely leave my house. Ahhhhh I said it out loud! Sigh.....I just can't bring myself to face people, who I thought cared about me, knowing that they decided to make their minds up about me with out even asking me.How could one choose to believe something a rumor about someone they knew and change everything they ever thought about their so called friend. Anyone who knows me knows the kind of person I am. I feel just awful if I did something to offend someone and didn't know it. I wish that people would have told me so I could have know what I did and make sure not to do it again. I know that misunderstanding happen all the time, if people would just be honest with one another so many things could be fixed. I admit that I was offensive to people because if thats how they felt then it was true for them. My intentions would never be to hurt someone or make them feel bad. That is something I would never want anyone to go through. I guess I need to be a little more aware of the way people might perceive things I say even if think my intentions are good.

All in all I am just super bummed that I lost people I cared about. Even the people who have negative feeling towards me. I can appreciate the people they are and I saw them do some pretty awesome things. These are people who I still care about even though the feeling is not mutral. I just think this whole this is a great misunderstanding. Oh how I wish we could have just talked it out.

I once had to solve daily disputes that kindergartners had and the one saving grace of all dispute was the hand game Paper, Rock, Scissors. Oh wow how I was amazed at how this one hand best 2 out of three game could solve virtually all their problems. I know that these people where on 5 but how neat would it be if a game such as this could work with adults. I know I'm game to try it!

So this brings my back to my night out with whiskey, Mary and the ladies. Whiskey a the ladies was my first dose of healing. I am done with this harsh punishment I have put my self though and now its time to lick my wounds.